No, We Don't "Punish" Our Kids

A few days ago Addisyn used some Crayola window markers to draw on a wall in our rental house.  Today someone asked if I had "punished her for it this time" (a few months ago she had painted on a wall and the floor with washable finger paints, so we had had a discussion about where it was okay to paint, and where it was not okay).  No, I hadn't punished her.  "Well it's okay to punish her so that she knows what she's doing is wrong - you could take away the markers so she doesn't do it again."  Oh, well, that I had done, but it's not something I would call a punishment, but rather a consequence.  I explained to her that I was going to have to put the markers away so that she could only use them when I was with her because she had chosen to draw somewhere she shouldn't have.  

So, that got me thinking... What is the difference between a punishment and a consequence?  I wasn't exactly sure how to put it in words, so I Googled it to get an answer.  I came across this article by Steven Petrus of Petrus Psychology that really hit on what I was feeling the differences were.  Petrus says:

"Consequences are different from punishments because consequences teach children to learn from their mistakes rather than making them suffer for their mistake. Consequences guide a child’s behavior and help children learn about the results of their behavior....Punishments impose suffering which actually shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learned to “showing” who is in control. In punishment based parenting few words of explanation are given by the parent,  children are left confused and unsure of their behavior, and it is given out of anger or frustration."

Yes, consequences are what we use, not punishment.  I don't want to discourage her from drawing and being creative, but simply to guide and direct her to the appropriate places to do so.  When I discovered that she had drawn on the wall she was actually in the process of trying to clean up her artwork with a baby wipe.  I certainly want to encourage that kind of behavior, and promptly thanked her for trying to clean up after herself.  I am the parent.  I am the person who chose to leave markers where she had access to them.  She was just being a normal 3 year old, doing normal 3 year old things.  She wasn't being bad, or misbehaving.  She had markers and a drawing surface, so she drew.  Of course that doesn't mean just letting her do whatever she wants, but it does mean I'm not going to rake her across hot coals for it either.  I used the opportunity to talk to her about where she should and should not draw with markers, and it showed me that she isn't quite ready to have complete access  to markers, so we adjust accordingly.

I was punished as a child.  I can remember being 3 or 4 years old and walking past the open bathroom door at my babysitter's house while her husband was urinating.  I have no recollection of seeing any part of his anatomy that I should not have seen, but what I do remember is thinking it odd that he was standing to pee (apparently my first encounter with how "boys" pee).  I said "that's silly", and got a nice spanking for it.  The next time I uttered the word "silly" in front of my babysitter I remember cringing after I said it because I thought for sure there was a spanking coming my way - I was under the impression that "silly" was a bad word.  Clearly the adult should have closed the bathroom door, but instead I was reprimanded for observing and commenting on something that was completely foreign to me. 

Children are not born knowing or understanding our expectations of them, and you do have to tell them and teach them things over and over again.  Frustrating?  Absolutely.  But there is so much going on with their development, and learning about the world that it's not surprising.  In addition to all of that, I've read that small children live in the moment, and I really do believe that.  They may "know better", but in the moment they have a marker, and a wall, and their little brain is telling them to create a beautiful work of art.

It's a chef! It's a maid! It's Super Mom!

Feeling very Super Mom-ish today!  It's not an every day, or even every week occurrence, so I revel in that feeling every time I do stumble upon it - you have to to get through the  other "normal" or even sub-par days.  Sometimes the stars align just so, and it's as if time passes just a little slower for you to get more done.  The kids are extra good.  For whatever reason your motivation is an order of magnitude higher than most days.

We started off the day as usual... Nursing, breakfast, getting dressed.  Then I threw a load of diapers into the washing machine.  We were several staple foods, and running low on many others, so off to Martin's grocery store I went with the girls in tow as always. Elizabeth slept in the Ergo, Addisyn rode in the car-cart - very well-behaved for the most part, and I picked up all the good stuff we needed.  Of course with only 3 items in the cart we had to drop everything and head out to the car so Addisyn could pee in her little potty (she has a fear of unfamiliar restrooms, so we come prepared).

Then it was home for a little play time, some lunch, and naps.  Addisyn and I went through our usual pre-nap (and bedtime) routine of reading, nursing, brushing teeth, and going to bed.  Then it was Elizabeth's turn and I nursed her to sleep in our bed.  Usually naps and bed time are reserved for me to just take a much-needed break, but I was feeling unusually motivated to get some things done, so instead of resting myself I headed down stairs.  I emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, and washed by hand all of the pots, pans, and larger items in the sink.  Cut up tomatoes, onions, jalapenos and cilantro for fresh salsa.  Made honey balsamic vinaigrette dressing (yum!).  Addisyn did wake up during my culinary work, so, as is the norm, I had to pause what I was doing to get her up and occupied.

Time for a run!  I got both kids dressed, Elizabeth nursed, and I got them in the BOB.  We walked to the park for a warmup and I ran 5 miles - great run!  After I was finished Addisyn had some time to play.  She swung for a little while, but the park was crowded, and I was not very impressed with some of the other locals there.  Specifically, I didn't care to hear, and more importantly didn't care for Addisyn to hear someone yelling at their kid to "get your ass over here!"  We left and walked back to one of the playgrounds in our subdivision where it wasn't so crowded, and nobody was yelling anything inappropriate for a playground environment.

Made a delicious salad for dinner: romaine, grilled chicken, corn, homemade salsa, and homemade honey balsamic vinaigrette - Addisyn liked it as well.  Then it was time for baths, bedtime routine, and bed.  But my day didn't stop there!  We're joining some of my friends and their kids for a hike tomorrow, so after Addisyn was in bed and Elizabeth was nursed to sleep I headed back downstairs to put the jogging stroller in the car (incase I feel really motivated to go for a run after the hike tomorrow - a hike during which I'm sure I'll end up carrying 2 kids before it's over, as this happens with all hikes these days), packed lunches, packed a diaper bag, and laid out clothes for tomorrow.  Of course I had to post about the whole thing, too.  ;)

Whew!  I am pleasantly exhausted!  Hopefully the girls will allow me a very restful night tonight!

My Two Day Binge... Holy Emotional Eating, Batman!

It started innocently enough - a trip to Costco, picking up a food package and inspecting the ingredients.  The package contained 48 brownie bites, and they did not contain dairy - a very attractive feature when you're eating dairy-free.  (Recently I decided get processed foods out of our house, and basically follow the 100 Days of Real Foods criteria of no more than 5 ingredients, and they have to be recognizable, with a few exceptions that I've not found readily available, reasonably priced options for yet.)  As I walked the brownie bites to the cart I knew I should have put them back, and just made my own sweet potato brownies if I really wanted some.  But my hunger, and excitement about them not containing dairy won out, and into the cart they went.

Fast forward two days... I just walked the empty brownie bites container out to our recycle bin.  48 brownie bites gone in 2 days - a brownie bite an hour - with only minimal help from others in their consumption.  This is bad.  This is really bad.

There are things that I really need to change about myself.  Things that I've known I needed to change for a long time - mainly making my own happiness contingent about making someone else happy.  For as long as I can remember I've been a people pleaser, a "yes" person.  These things are, of course, fine in moderation - just like brownie bites.  And, as is human nature, I expected to get out what I put in.  I went out of my way, repeatedly, to make someone else happy, and expected the same in return.  That's logical, but not always what happens.  So what does a people-pleaser do?  I try harder, expecting different results.  (Wait... Isn't that the definition of stupidity?  "Doing something the same way and expecting different results"?).  It's a vicious cycle I've been carrying on for years.  Time to start making my happiness about me instead of about others.  That's a tough thing to change.

Not needing or expecting the approval of others close to me when I know I'm making the right choices.  Here we go... I'm going to make a shocking revelation... I breastfeed.  Ok, not so shocking until I throw in that I currently nurse a child who will be 3 years old in less than 48 hours, along with a 5 month old. I am not ashamed of this, in fact, I am quite proud.  It is my intention to nurse both of my children until they wean themselves.  The AAP and WHO both recommend that breastfeeding continue as long as it is mutually desired by mother and child, and again, at this point my desire is for decision to wean to be left to them.  There is much more to nursing than nutrition, and it is for those immunological, psychological, and emotional benefits that I feel it is important that they decide when they're done.  Until then, I feel they have a need for it.  I feel that continuing to nurse has helped Addisyn immensely in transitioning from an only child to having to share me with a needy, helpless baby.  I feel that tandem nursing is helping them to bond with each other.  Full-term nursing/child-led weaning are not popular in our culture.  And let me just throw in there that unpopular does not mean wrong - far from it!  Probably more people than you realize are allowing their young children to decide when to wean, it's just not discussed because we don't want the backlash.  Nursing a child is not always easy.  Nursing a child when society doesn't agree is even more difficult.  Nursing a child when someone who should support you on it but doesn't is the worst, especially when they try to shame your child into weaning.  "You're a big girl.  You don't need to nurse."

I know where they're coming from, I do.  They're coming from the assumptions made by the rest of our society, that nursing is only for little babies, and is only for nutrition.  I know, I used to think that way, too (though what separated me from many others is that I could keep that opinion to myself).  But then I became a mother, and I had a reason to look beyond what society told us, to look for the best answer instead of just taking assumptions and common-practice at face value.  But this person is close to me and my children.  This person should know better.
(Disclaimer:  I write this breastfeeding passage about myself, and my beliefs about what is best for my children.  I strongly believe that everyone makes what they feel are the best decisions for themselves and their families, and I will not question your decisions.  Rude or unsupportive comments on the matter are not welcome and will be deleted.  Nor do I need to hear about why people decided not to breastfeed or decided to wean their babies.  Not to be rude, but this post isn't about anyone else's circumstances or decisions.)

Aside from the big things I need to change about myself, a few other events/goings-on that lead to the great brownie debacle...

1)  Our parked car got hit by a drunk driver two weeks ago.  I have assumed pretty much entire responsibility of dealing with the insurance companies.  It took almost a full week for anything at all to be done for us.  We've finally gotten a rental car and new car seats, but it's been a nightmare.  And then, at the height of a mental and emotional breakdown the other day a police officer comes to our door to subpoena me as a witness in the court case against the guy.

2)  We're house hunting.  This in and of itself isn't a bad thing.  We've been renting since August, and it hasn't been a particularly good experience this time, so we're ready to get out of here and have a place of our own again.  We found a property we really liked and made an offer, received a counter-offer, and then had the house sold out from underneath of us as the shady real estate agent who is representing the seller waited four days to submit our counter-offer to the seller, and in that time two more offers were made, and we were kicked to the curb.  I'll always wonder what would have happened if the guy had submitted the day he should have.  Our real estate agent seems to think he was delaying the potential sale to us so that he could make the sale to someone he was representing and pocket that commission.  Looking forward to finding out if that was the case.

The good news is the brownie bites are gone, and I've admitted what I need to change to avoid another emotional eating catastrophe.  Changing those things will be easier said than done - takes a lot to break a habit.  Running is going well, and has really turned my mood around a few days this week.  Too bad getting myself and two kids ready to run isn't as easy as reaching for a brownie.

My Babywearing Journey

When Addisyn was a baby, babywearing was fun and convenient. With Elizabeth it is absolutely necessary!


We never used our first carrier. In fact we owned it for less than a day. We received an Infantino sling (which we had registered for) as a baby shower gift, and then found out that it had been recalled, so back to the store it went!

Between the time we had registered and when we received the sling as a shower gift I had learned a little more about babywearing and the options available. Our next carrier was a Moby wrap. The first couple of times using the Moby with Addisyn were awkward and intimidating, but I persevered and loved the results!  On several occasions I nursed her, put her in the Moby where she fell asleep, and then she slept while we ate and watched a movie with friends.


I had also been told that Ergobaby carriers were fantastic and very comfortable, and learned how much better they were for baby's skeletal development than so-called "crotch-danglers" (carriers where baby is basically suspended by their crotch, with legs hanging straight down, as opposed to being in a more seated position with knees above their bottom). When Addisyn was around 2 months old we ordered an Ergo carrier and infant insert just before I was taking Addisyn on her first airline flight. It was a fantastic investment!  I used it around the house, at the store, at the zoo, on trips and hikes. Lifesaver!

But, we were living in Texas, and during the summer it is hot, hot, hot.  So when spring rolled around again and the temperature started to rise I wanted something a little cooler. We traded in the original Ergo for a Performance Ergo - much cooler and lighter. The Performance carrier itself is 1/3 lighter than the original,  but I was surprised at how much lighter Addisyn felt in it.

In the In the babywearing community, the Moby wrap is affectionately referred to as a "gateway wrap", and it was. A friend of mine peaked my interest in woven wraps (a much better wrap for 15+ pound babies, with more wrapping options than the stretchy Moby wap) and I really wanted to get one for our second baby.  My grandparents got us a size 6 Girasol at a baby gift - I was thrilled, and a little intimidated. It was beautiful, and 4.6 meters (again, size 6, and the standard length for a woven wrap)
 - so much fabric!  I began searching YouTube for instructional videos (there are plenty) and tried out some basic back carries with Addisyn. It didn't work out so well... Addisyn wasn't all that interested
in being wrapped and I was a newbie. On top of that I was 5 months pregnant, and being bent over with a 28+ pound toddler on my back for extended periods while I fumbled through a wrap wasn't the most comfortable thing. So I decided to just wait for the baby to arrive.  Instead of wrapping, I set to
work breaking the wrap in. Washing,  braiding, and just generally manipulating the fabric to soften it up and make it nice and flexible for the easiest wrapping when I did try it again.

Babywearing has been invaluable with Elizabeth!  She is a much higher-needs baby than Addisyn was, and gets unhappy quickly if she's put down (though she tolerates it more and more as she gets a little older). I also have a 2.5 year old to keep up with, meals to cook, and general odds-and-ends things to do at home. The Moby was the go-to carrier for the first few weeks because it was the easiest for me, and excellent for carrying newborns. Then one day we had a regurgitation event and therefore laundry day for the Moby. Time to put the Girasol, and myself, to the test!

The first rule of wrapping is that you can't wrap too tightly. My initial attempts were too loose, but practice makes perfect, and it's improving.  There really is a pretty substantial learning curve that comes with using woven wraps. It's a lot of material to work with and there are so many different
ways of wrapping.  There are relatively few "poppable" carries (carries that allow you to pop baby in and out while the wrap remains tied on you) so most of the them require holding the baby while beginning the wrap.

After a few weeks I worked up the nerve to try a back carry - an intimidating thought, but relatively easy as I had had plenty of practice putting Addisyn on my back in the Ergobaby carrier. Wearing her on my back definitely makes it easier to play with Addisyn and do things around the house.  It will be several more months before I will be able to carry her on my back in the Ergo carrier as she has to have very good head control.  I think Addisyn was around 6 months when I started doing back carries in the Ergo with her.

As I've become more confident with wrapping I find that the wrap is all I want to use most of the time. Then we had another regurgitation incident with the Girasol, and I decided then and there that I wanted to get a second woven wrap as a backup, and began looking around.  I settled on a Storchenwiege Leo Turkis, and requested it as a birthday gift from my husband.  It came, I wrapped, I love!

This time around I have definitely been bitten by the babywearing bug - I want to try them all!  But good baby carriers aren't cheap.  So, I've delved into making some for myself!  I started with a mei tai, which turned out well, though there are some changes I'd like to make.  I also made a podeigi, more for curiosity's sake than anything.  I intend to buy some linen in the future to make and dye a couple wraps myself as well - spring/summer is approaching, and a lighter weight, more breathable wrap without the  triple digit price tag would be nice.

Dear Me...

Dear Me On a Bad Day,

This too shall pass.  Better days are ahead. Life as you know it is not over.

The bad days make us stronger. They help us to really appreciate the good days.

You will have bad days. You're human. Don't dwell on it, move past it. It's okay to make mistakes.  Learn from them and move on.

Your children have bad days, too.  They are growing, learning, discovering themselves. They are figuring out what their places are in this great big world.  They are blessed to have you home with them. You are blessed to be home with them.  Regardless of what others may say, it is okay to put your life on hold for them. They need you right now. This time is fleeting, enjoy it while it lasts. You will not regret sacrifices you make for them because there will be other opportunities, but once their grown, they're grown.  Your instincts are right, even if they're not popular.

Your husband has bad days, too.  He's human.  He will make mistakes.  It is okay to disagree, to have arguments. You're different people with different perspectives, different opinions, and that's okay. He loves you even if sometimes he doesn't express it. You don't always express it either, but that doesn't mean you don't.

"Those who mind don't matter. Those who matter don't mind."

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


Sincerely,
Yourself On a Good Day

Deja Vu #2: Goodbye Dairy! Again.

One Sunday morning when Addisyn was 5 weeks old I changed a poopy diaper that had a lot of mucus, and a couple of spots of blood in it.  After a call to the pediatrician's after-hours nurse's line we were on our way to the kid's urgent care where I was told that Addisyn more than likely had a dairy sensitivity.  Long story short I gave up dairy and soy so that I could continue breastfeeding Addisyn.  I wrote about being dairy and soy-free here.

For some time now I have had a sneaking suspicion that Elizabeth was also having problems with dairy, but I wasn't completely sure of it until today. Sign #1: Vomiting.  For several weeks now she has thrown up entire feedings on a somewhat regular basis - sometimes a couple of times a day, sometimes daily, sometimes skipping days.  Initially I associated it with choking, because she always seemed to choke during a feeding before it happened.  Then I thought maybe she was just gorging herself and getting too full, because it almost always happened during her night time cluster feeding times when she would just nurse, and nurse, and nurse.  Sign #2: Stuffiness.  Elizabeth gets very stuffy at night, and until recently I figured it was just due to the dry winter air.  I get stuffy myself for that reason.  We use a humidifier, and I have her bassinet mattress at a slight incline, and that seems to help.  But paired with other symptoms, I now believe it's at least partially due to a dairy allergy.  Sign #3: Rash.  A couple of days ago I noticed a very, very slight rash covering most of her body.  So slight that I looked at it repeatedly, debating whether or not there really was a rash there.  This would make it a true allergy, as opposed to the intolerance that Addisyn had.  The difference?  An allergy causes an immune response (like a rash), an intolerance does not.  Sign #4: Mucus and blood in stool.  This was the definitive symptom for me.  I had decided to go off dairy when I discovered that little bit of a rash to see if it made a difference, but the mucus and tiny spots of blood in a poopy diaper today were what really convinced me that I correct in my suspicions.  

Dairy-free.  Soy-free.  I've done it before, and I can, and will, do it again.  

Deja Vu

Addisyn was exactly 8 week old when I wrote this post.  Matt had just bought a road bike to go with his mountain bike he had gotten just two weeks before.  I talked briefly about how his hobbies are his own, but as a mother my hobbies and interests really revolved around Addisyn.

Fast forward a few years...

Our youngest daughter, Elizabeth is 7 weeks 5 days old today.  Just two days younger than Addisyn was when I wrote the above-mentioned post, and today Matt brought home a fine, new road bike.  Again.  The bike he bought when Addisyn was a newborn he rode maybe a dozen times, and then sold as we didn't really live in a very bike-friendly area.  Now that we're back in Virginia we live in a much better area for road biking, and he is very excited to begin riding again.

As with the first time he bought bikes I am a little jealous that my hobbies and interests aren't just about me anymore.  Last year I taught myself how to knit by watching videos on YouTube.  I enjoy it, but it really has been more about making things for the kids than anything else.  My birthday is coming up next month, and Matt just asked what I would like to have; my top choice is a second woven wrap for carrying Elizabeth so that I am not without when the one that I currently have needs to be washed.

I long to start something that's all about me, but now isn't the time for me to start something that takes me away from my young children who need me here.  Our children will be grown in the blink of an eye, and I will have my whole life to have hobbies and activities once they are older.  Right now I would regret being absent from them more than I would enjoy something like road biking, and I know it.  My life is about them right now, not about me, and that's how I feel it should be.  I still do things for me, but only when I can include them or have them with me, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it is difficult to watch people around me whose lives are more about themselves than mine will be for a while.

Elizabeth's Birth Story

 Here it is!  The official birth story!  And I think it took me longer to write than it did to have Elizabeth! :)

I had thought my body was preparing to go into labor the evening of December 5th and early morning of December 6th.  Late on the night of the 5th I experienced some diarrhea and was just feeling off.  I let our midwife, Tierney, know and then went to bed.  I woke up at 4am on December 6th and started leaking a little bit of fluid around 4:15.  I was also experiencing shivering, but wasn't cold at all, and figured it was probably due to changing hormones.  I was having contractions here and there, but was only aware of them if I put my hand on my abdomen and felt that it was tight.  I let Tierney know this as well and agreed to let her know if and when contractions really started.  We went back to bed.  When we woke up later that morning I was no longer leaking fluid, but still felt off.  I spoke with Tierney mid-morning and she felt that the baby was ready but that my body wasn't cooperating due to stress and pressure to have the baby because Matt was supposed to return to work December 10th.  She told me she would come by the house in the afternoon and check on me to see what was going on.  

The rest of that day I felt off.  Mentally I felt that I was prepared if Matt had to go back to work.  I had confidence in the fact that if he was away all I had to do was call Tierney and she would come to me - I didn't have to go anywhere.  Of course I wanted Matt there, but I knew I would do okay even if he wasn't.  I had also been getting lots of phone calls from well-meaning family members "just checking in", and while that irritated me quite a bit I felt like that irritation was the only affect.  I had a lot of outside pressure to have the baby, but I knew that she would come when it was time, that due dates are arbitrary.  I was disappointed to think that as mentally ready as I felt, my body wasn't doing what it needed to do because of things that were going on around me.  Tierney was going to do my first (and what would be my only) cervical check when she came by that afternoon.  I was concerned that if my body wasn't doing its part to keep labor going that my cervix may not be ripening and dilating yet either.

Tierney arrived and checked me out around 3:00 the afternoon of December 6th.  She checked me and let me know that I was dilated 3-4 centimeters, but that she was able to stretch me to about 5 centimeters, and my cervix was 70-80% effaced.  It was such a relief to know for sure that my body had already done so much of the work.  She performed a cervical massage as well, which involved her monitoring the baby's position on the cervix internally while palpating my belly in various places externally in an effort to coax the baby to move her head into a position where it would apply the best possible pressure to the cervix.  She left me with a blue cohosh tincture to take sublingually every 15 minutes for 2 hours.  The herbal tincture would help to enhance labor and further soften my cervix if my body was ready for that.  I began taking the tincture at 3:45PM, and took it every 15 minutes until 5:45.  

I had been having pretty frequent stronger contractions after the cervical massage, but they were only uncomfortable, not painful, and they slowly spaced themselves out and became weaker.  I laid down in bed that evening to knit and watch a TV show on my computer, and the contractions began again.  I texted Tierney at 10:14PM to let her know that I had been contracting every 5-7 minutes and that they had only been uncomfortable but were starting to get a little stronger.  At 10:31 I texted again to tell her that they were definitely hurting.  I laid down to rest for a little while and the contractions continued to become more intense.  I sent Matt (who was downstairs) a text at 10:47 to tell him I thought it was time.  He came upstairs and we began to get ready for the birth - Matt opening our birth box and getting all of our birth supplies out and ready, and me getting into my gown and concentrating on my contractions.  At 11:01PM I let Tierney know that I thought it was time for her to come, and she was on her way within minutes.  At one point Matt timed a couple of contractions that were around a minute and a half apart.

During contractions I was the most comfortable leaning over the bed and swaying from side to side.  I also tried laboring on the toilet through a couple contractions, and on the birthing ball, but they didn't work quite as well for me.  Matt put water in the tub for me and I got in as soon as it was ready.  Unfortunately there was only enough hot water to put 6 or 7 inches of water in the tub, but it worked, and the water was very much a relief.  During contractions I found it helped me to rhythmically splash water onto my lower abdomen as it wasn't quite as deep as I would have liked it and keeping the water circulating in that way made it feel slightly warmer to me.  Almost as soon as I got in the tub the contractions changed - I felt like I had more time in between (we didn't actually time them) and I was beginning to feel pressure, but did what I could to avoid pushing as Tierney hadn't arrived.  I told Matt to unlock the front door and text to let her know she could just come in when she arrived, and she responded that she was 5 miles away.  

Tierney arrived and I continued to labor as I had through a few more contractions: sitting with my back against the side of the tub in a slightly reclined position, and Tierney checked the fetal heart rate with the doppler before the start of another contraction.  I then decided to try sitting up in the middle of the tub and really began to feel a strong urge to push.  Between contractions I got up on my knees and supported myself on the side of the tub with my forearms.  I really began to push with the next contraction, concentrating on keeping a relaxed face (as I had previously read that keeping face and jaw relaxed helped to reduce the likelihood of a tear).  My water broke during a push and everything felt much, much more intense after that.  It's all a blur to me.  I lost the calm composure I had had throughout the labor, and Tierney was telling me "you're okay, you're okay" and I was able to calm down slightly and respond "I know, I know".  The baby was out quickly, Tierney called the time 12:17, and I couldn't believe how much time had passed (the last recollection I had of time was when I texted for her to come at 11:00).  She was born with a nuchal hand (hand beside her head) and a nuchal cord (cord around her neck).  Tierney had me raise up slightly and handed the baby off to me through my legs.  (Matt informed me later that Tierney ended up doing quite the acrobatic routine while catching the baby as the faucet for the tub was built into the corner of the room and the faucet is right in the middle of the only open side.  She had to lean over quiet a long way while working around that faucet.)

I leaned back against the side of the tub, new baby in my arms covered with a towel.  Tierney told me that she had arrived at our house around 11:45PM, that I had started to push at 12:13, that my membranes had ruptured at 12:15, and that the baby had been born at 12:17AM.  I pulled the towel back slightly to see the baby and noticed that there was absolutely no blood on her, and asked if that meant I hadn't torn - I knew it was a good sign.  Tierney said she had completely forgotten to check the sex of the baby, so I did, and she was a girl just as we had expected. 

I remained in the tub until it was time to deliver the placenta.  I gave a little push and it was out.  Tierney had Matt hold the red plastic bowel we had for the placenta and he carried the bowl and baby out to our bedroom.  There was a little bit of a tense moment after Matt had said something (I didn't hear what) in the bedroom that had made Tierney rush out of the bathroom  saying "What? What's happening?"  Matt had apparently almost spilled the bowel containing the placenta.

Tierney helped me out of the tub and into my night gown.  I got into bed and laid there having skin-to-skin time for a long while with our new baby girl.  She wasn't ready to nurse on our first attempt, but we tried again shortly thereafter and she quickly latched and started feeding.  When it was time to do the newborn exam Tierney clipped the cord with the usual plastic umbilical clip (no clamping required since all the cord and placental blood had had plenty of time to pass into the baby) and Matt cut the cord at 1:40 AM.  She had remained attached to her placenta for almost an hour and a half after birth!  Tierney weighed her, measured head circumference and length, and checked to make sure everything was as it should be - she was perfect.  Matt got to hold the baby while I was checked.  Not only had I not torn, but according to Tierney it "didn't even look like [I had had] a baby" - no swelling to speak of, and only a very slight abrasion as if I had scrapped my knee; no repair necessary.  Tierney grabbed the hand mirror because she said I had to see for myself.

I texted Tierney the next morning to thank her and let her know how we were doing.  She told me that our birth was "honestly the gentlest, calmest birth she had seen in a very long time."  I already felt great about it, but that feedback somehow made me feel even better about our home birth when I didn't think I could have.  Everything had gone perfectly (except Matt almost dumping the placenta!).  I was able to do just what I wanted to do.  I wasn't forced to follow any policies or procedures.  My baby wasn't whisked away for suctioning or exams immediately following birth, and when she did the newborn check it was right beside me on my bed.  I wasn't given anything to "help" my body do what it already did well enough on its own, and the same for our baby. Nothing was done against my wishes or plans - I didn't even bother to write a birth plan because Tierney had told me about how she typically did things following a birth, and it was exactly what I wanted and what we got.

Playing Catch Up... Again...

It has been exactly a year and a month since I last posted to my blog, and what a busy 13 months it has been!  December 2011 through February 2012 were pretty uneventful.  We had a wonderful Christmas and went way overboard with giving Addisyn gifts as it was the first year she would actually have a sense of what was going on with decorating, opening gifts, etc.

March 2012 was an exciting month.  Matt and I had been talking about having a second baby, and I wanted to wait until Addisyn had turned 2 to begin trying for another.  But then I was having some issues with the birth control pill I was taking, and together we decided that I would stop taking the pills, and we hoped/expected that it would take a couple of months to become pregnant anyway.  I had been training for a 5K run that would happen the following month and really wanted to continue toward that goal.  Less than 2 weeks before my 5k we got the positive pregnancy test - apparently I had gotten pregnant just a couple of days after going off my pills.  I had had a pretty strong suspicion that we had inadvertently timed everything just right, and apparently we had.  I had only been running 2.5 to 3 miles at a time and decided I didn't trust myself not to push too hard, so I decided to put off running until after the baby - I would walk my 5k.

This time around I knew I wanted an out-of-hospital birth.  I wanted a home birth.  After Addisyn was born I had read everything I could get my hands on about birth in a hospital versus outside of a hospital.  I had never considered anything but a hospital birth with Addisyn, but I knew that if we had another baby I wanted to be home, and after some discussion Matt agreed to it.  As soon as we found out I was pregnant we started looking for a midwife.  In April we had a consultation with a midwife not far from where we lived and we both felt good about her and set up our first appointment: an ultrasound at 10 weeks.  As an added bonus, the birth center had a team signed up to walk the same 5k that I had signed up to run, so I was able to join them in walking it!

We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks to confirm the gestational age of the baby as I didn't have a last missed period to go by thanks to the problems with the pill I was on.  I was 99% sure that we had conceived within days of stopping the pill, and the online due date calculator I had used set the due date as December 5 according to the conception date I gave.  Our ultrasound gave us a due date of December 4!

Matt and I celebrated 5 years of marriage on May 12th, and Addisyn turned 2 May 22.  My parents came in during that time to visit for 2 weeks.  Life continued as normal until June, when Matt got word from his company that they were having financial difficulties.  A week later he had lost his job.  Thankfully he had started looking for and applying for new jobs as soon as there was the slightest indication that he might lose his and he had already been through a few interviews.  Nine days after losing his job he accepted a new one.  Hours after accepting the new job we found out his grandmother had passed away and 2 days later we were on a flight to Virginia for the funeral.

June and July are a blur of packing and getting ready to move "back home" to Virginia.  We had wanted to go back some day but had no idea it would be so soon.  July 17th we had a 20 week ultrasound and discovered we were having another baby girl and she looked perfect.  My dad and Matt's dad also arrived that day to help us with packing the truck and driving.  July 18th I had a final prenatal checkup with my midwife and then we left for the 20 hour drive to Virginia.  We drove straight through and I did about 16 total hours of driving myself.

We spent a month with mom and dad at their house.  We had looked at many houses and found several we liked but all were taken by the time we actually got to Virginia.  After a lot of looking we finally found a house for rent in Culpeper.  Next step: find a midwife.

I spoke with 3 midwives on the phone, and set up interviews with 2 of them.  The first midwife we interviewed came to our house and we all sat around the dining room table and chatted for a while.  We both liked her, and Matt especially liked her price - about half of what all the other midwives were charging in the area.  But she didn't attend breech births as she didn't feel she had enough experience with them, and I was uncomfortable with that.  The second midwife we interviewed at her birth center. She was much more outgoing, seemed much more passionate about birth, and she attended breech births - I was sold and called her back the next day to set up our first appointment.

September through November were full of prenatal appointments and baby preparations, and everything was going well.  Addisyn dressed up as a dog for Halloween.  Matt's job was going well.  I was feeling good, getting bigger, and our second little girl was doing well.

Our December 4 due date came and went and the pressure was on.  Matt had taken vacation time for work with the assumption that I would have the baby pretty close to the due date as Addisyn was born on her due date.  Family was calling to check in daily, sometimes several times a day, and it was wearing on me.

December 7, 2012 - exactly a year since my last post - we welcomed Elizabeth Gray Viel into our family.  We had a beautiful, fast, peaceful home birth.  It was everything I had hoped it would be, and I will post the birth story next!