It started innocently enough - a trip to Costco, picking up a food package and inspecting the ingredients. The package contained 48 brownie bites, and they did not contain dairy - a very attractive feature when you're eating dairy-free. (Recently I decided get processed foods out of our house, and basically follow the 100 Days of Real Foods criteria of no more than 5 ingredients, and they have to be recognizable, with a few exceptions that I've not found readily available, reasonably priced options for yet.) As I walked the brownie bites to the cart I knew I should have put them back, and just made my own sweet potato brownies if I really wanted some. But my hunger, and excitement about them not containing dairy won out, and into the cart they went.
Fast forward two days... I just walked the empty brownie bites container out to our recycle bin. 48 brownie bites gone in 2 days - a brownie bite an hour - with only minimal help from others in their consumption. This is bad. This is really bad.
There are things that I really need to change about myself. Things that I've known I needed to change for a long time - mainly making my own happiness contingent about making someone else happy. For as long as I can remember I've been a people pleaser, a "yes" person. These things are, of course, fine in moderation - just like brownie bites. And, as is human nature, I expected to get out what I put in. I went out of my way, repeatedly, to make someone else happy, and expected the same in return. That's logical, but not always what happens. So what does a people-pleaser do? I try harder, expecting different results. (Wait... Isn't that the definition of stupidity? "Doing something the same way and expecting different results"?). It's a vicious cycle I've been carrying on for years. Time to start making my happiness about me instead of about others. That's a tough thing to change.
Not needing or expecting the approval of others close to me when I know I'm making the right choices. Here we go... I'm going to make a shocking revelation... I breastfeed. Ok, not so shocking until I throw in that I currently nurse a child who will be 3 years old in less than 48 hours, along with a 5 month old. I am not ashamed of this, in fact, I am quite proud. It is my intention to nurse both of my children until they wean themselves. The AAP and WHO both recommend that breastfeeding continue as long as it is mutually desired by mother and child, and again, at this point my desire is for decision to wean to be left to them. There is much more to nursing than nutrition, and it is for those immunological, psychological, and emotional benefits that I feel it is important that they decide when they're done. Until then, I feel they have a need for it. I feel that continuing to nurse has helped Addisyn immensely in transitioning from an only child to having to share me with a needy, helpless baby. I feel that tandem nursing is helping them to bond with each other. Full-term nursing/child-led weaning are not popular in our culture. And let me just throw in there that unpopular does not mean wrong - far from it! Probably more people than you realize are allowing their young children to decide when to wean, it's just not discussed because we don't want the backlash. Nursing a child is not always easy. Nursing a child when society doesn't agree is even more difficult. Nursing a child when someone who should support you on it but doesn't is the worst, especially when they try to shame your child into weaning. "You're a big girl. You don't need to nurse."
I know where they're coming from, I do. They're coming from the assumptions made by the rest of our society, that nursing is only for little babies, and is only for nutrition. I know, I used to think that way, too (though what separated me from many others is that I could keep that opinion to myself). But then I became a mother, and I had a reason to look beyond what society told us, to look for the best answer instead of just taking assumptions and common-practice at face value. But this person is close to me and my children. This person should know better.
(Disclaimer: I write this breastfeeding passage about
myself, and
my beliefs about what is best for
my children. I strongly believe that everyone makes what they feel are the best decisions for themselves and their families, and I will not question your decisions. Rude or unsupportive comments on the matter are not welcome and will be deleted. Nor do I need to hear about why people decided not to breastfeed or decided to wean their babies. Not to be rude, but this post isn't about anyone else's circumstances or decisions.)
Aside from the big things I need to change about myself, a few other events/goings-on that lead to the great brownie debacle...
1) Our parked car got hit by a drunk driver two weeks ago. I have assumed pretty much entire responsibility of dealing with the insurance companies. It took almost a full week for anything at all to be done for us. We've finally gotten a rental car and new car seats, but it's been a nightmare. And then, at the height of a mental and emotional breakdown the other day a police officer comes to our door to subpoena me as a witness in the court case against the guy.
2) We're house hunting. This in and of itself isn't a bad thing. We've been renting since August, and it hasn't been a particularly good experience this time, so we're ready to get out of here and have a place of our own again. We found a property we really liked and made an offer, received a counter-offer, and then had the house sold out from underneath of us as the shady real estate agent who is representing the seller waited four days to submit our counter-offer to the seller, and in that time two more offers were made, and we were kicked to the curb. I'll always wonder what would have happened if the guy had submitted the day he should have. Our real estate agent seems to think he was delaying the potential sale to us so that he could make the sale to someone he was representing and pocket that commission. Looking forward to finding out if that was the case.
The good news is the brownie bites are gone, and I've admitted what I need to change to avoid another emotional eating catastrophe. Changing those things will be easier said than done - takes a lot to break a habit. Running is going well, and has really turned my mood around a few days this week. Too bad getting myself and two kids ready to run isn't as easy as reaching for a brownie.
Made a delicious salad for dinner: romaine, grilled chicken, corn, homemade salsa, and homemade honey balsamic vinaigrette - Addisyn liked it as well. Then it was time for baths, bedtime routine, and bed. But my day didn't stop there! We're joining some of my friends and their kids for a hike tomorrow, so after Addisyn was in bed and Elizabeth was nursed to sleep I headed back downstairs to put the jogging stroller in the car (incase I feel really motivated to go for a run after the hike tomorrow - a hike during which I'm sure I'll end up carrying 2 kids before it's over, as this happens with all hikes these days), packed lunches, packed a diaper bag, and laid out clothes for tomorrow. Of course I had to post about the whole thing, too. ;)
